A Child’s Wisdom, An Adult’s Learning

When I was studying in St. Paul Primary School, Kuching, Sarawak, a new student joined us. I heard that his family was from Shanghai China. His name is Wang Lu Chiang.

Lu Chiang was a very smart boy, but very naughty. He was certainly a very kinesthetic person, as he could not sit still for a few minutes. Being hyper-active, he was under constant disciplinary action from his mother, as we often saw bruises on his body. When we asked him : “What happened?”, he would reply with a smile and answered : “I was naughty at home and my mother beat me.”

We were good friends. One day, I asked him whether I could visit him at his house. He said, “You are most welcome.”

After school, we took a bus to his house. One the way, he coached me : “You see, my mother is a very strict and no-nonsense person. She has high standards of things and expectation of children. She likes children to be well-behaved, polite, show respect to elders.” Then he continued to coach me how should I address her mother, how should I make enquiries about her on things that show respect to elders, how should I stand and talk when facing her, etc. and etc.

I followed Lu Chiang’s instructions, and the meeting with his mother went well. She commented I was a good boy.

As I reflected on this incident happened so many years ago, I realized the wisdom of my friend, then at such a young age. He knew that I was not brought up the type of standard of his mother, and the meeting at his house can be very unpleasant. That would spoil his intention to have a good time with a friend (me), at his house. And he coached me. Indirectly I also learned how to be polite to the elders.

To day I see much confrontation between parents and children, while parents should have greater responsibilities to ease the matter and create win-win outcome, children can learn a lot from my friend Lu Chiang to create a more pleasant outcome for everyone. More often than not, children may react by going either extreme, like totally ignoring the parents’ nagging and bring their friends home to do what they like, which will definitely create more quarrels and confrontations, or swear never to bring friends home but to go out with them and do what they like outside the worlds of the parents, which may result in incidents not desired by any party at all.

Lu Chiang knew what he wanted in life and he took steps to create the results desired. He wanted an active life (others perceived him as naughty) and he accepted the consequences of being "punished" by the mother. He wanted to have a good time with his friend (me) at his house, and he coached me how to please his mother.

We lost contact with each other after the primary school. I imagine that he will continue to achieve what he wants in life, say, to pursue further study with objectiions from certain parties, to work on his ideals with resistance from his employer, or to create a market with stiff competition from the competitors.

Looking at us as adults as compared with Lu Chiang at such a young age, we do not have the skills in handling confrontation, whether with adults or children. We act or react with emotion, and the mindset of “I am right, you are wrong.” (a perfect recipe for escalating any confrontation to a boiling point). We do not ask the most fundamental questions “What do I really want and don't want in this type of situation? If I do know what I really want, what strategies and flexibilities should I exercise to get what I want?”